


My Kind of Woman

by Sweeths



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Always Female Katya Zamolodchikova, Always Female Trixie Mattel, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, Panic Attacks, Useless Lesbians
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:20:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25008328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweeths/pseuds/Sweeths
Summary: Trixie and Katya used to be best friends but everything changed the night Katya decided to confess her feelings to a very heterosexual Trixie.Two years later Katya has finally moved on. She's living her best life away from her past. Specially, away from Trixie.
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 14
Kudos: 51





	1. Oh, baby

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, there! This is the first time I decide to publish my work here. So please be nice and know that I am looking foward to reading your comments. I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoy writing it.  
> Love x

Two years ago.

-I’m so sorry, Trixie.

Katya stares into her eyes. She very well knows their friendship is ruined. Forever.

-I’m sorry too- Trixie is sobbing now- I’ve never wanted you to fall for me. Fuck! We were supposed to be besties forever, Katya. And the worst thing is…-She stares at Katya, maybe for the first time since Katya has decided to confess her feelings- ...the worst thing is that this isn’t your fault.

-It isn’t your fault either…- Katya sighes- I’m so sorry Trixie. I’ve tried so hard to avoid it. I promise. I’ve never wanted to ruin what we have. But I can’t keep those feelings away. Not anymore.

-So you’d rather stop working with me.

-Trix…

-You’d rather stop being my best friend- Trixie’s voice is weak.

Katya’s hands haven’t stopped trembling throughout the whole night. She wants to pull at her hair. She wants to scream.

-I’m sorry Trixie. I don’t know what else you want me to say. I’m so sorry that I’ve had those feelings since the very first time I saw you. But I do. And I can’t keep working with you, being your friend and seeing you with someone else without my heart getting more and more broken each day.

-I’m sorry that I don’t feel the same way- Trixie whispers, looking at the floor- Please leave now. Please.

Katya takes a deep breath and turns away.

It’s okay- she thinks. You’ll get over it. You know you will. A smile almost appears on her face. Who is she trying to fool? She will never get over Trixie. But at least some distance will keep her heart safe.


	2. You're making me crazy

Present

-Katya! For the last time, hurry the fuck up!- Fena screams at her from the other side of the room.

-I’m coming, ho!- Katya replies while applying the last touches to her lipstick. It is almost her turn. The club is crowded, the vibe is good, and she knows she has her usual small group of fans waiting for her. After leaving behind her job performing with Trixie in Boston and moving to New York, Katya has become a different person. Or that is what she likes to think about herself. She has gained a lot of confidence, mostly due to her new fans and, most importantly, to her new friends -Fena being one of the nicest people she’s met in her life. Besides, moving to a big city has had an impact on her sexuality. She has fully accepted that she is a lesbian and, from the very first time in her life, she has had dates with women. And, one lucky night, she met Violet. There is a lot of chemistry between them, they don’t seem to be able to get their hands off each other. Of course, Katya knows their relationship is mostly physical. Moreover, she doesn’t believe in love. Not anymore. 

Before Fena can scream at her again, she applies some hairspray to her blonde hair and leaves to the main stage.  
Five minutes later Katya is on stage lip-syncing to one of her favourite 80’s Russian pop songs. She is wearing one of her latest creations: a beautiful see-through black dress adorned with fake diamonds and a pair of Dr Martens black boots. She is feeling especially sexy this night. Maybe it is because she smoked a joint before leaving the dressing room. But she knows Violet has come to see her and that is making her feel extremely hot. As she crawls towards one of the girls in the front row, she searches for her lover in the crowded room. While she is taking a dollar between the girl’s teeth with a smirk on her face, she spots her. 

No, not Violet. 

Trixie.


	3. Driving me mad

Two years ago.

-This is it. I’m going to tell her how I feel tonight.

-Kat…- Alaska sighs- We’ve discussed this. You know she doesn’t feel the same way. Katya, she has a boyfriend.

-I know she has a boyfriend- Katya almost screams at her friend- I’m sorry. I know she has- she says in a calmer tone- but I’ve gotta try. Alaska, if you could see the way she looks at me. Nobody else looks at me that way. Not even you. Not even my mom. Nobody.

-If you are really sure- Alaska gives her a smile.

-I am. I can’t keep on being her friend. I can’t keep on listening to her talking about him. And-and… if she doesn’t feel the same way, then...

-Then what, Kat?

-I’ll have to get her out of my life. 

Present

Katya doesn’t know how she manages to finish her number. She is now sitting in her dressing room with Fena beside her, trying to calm her the fuck down.

-Hey, Zamo. Are you listening to me? You’ve gotta breathe babe. I can't help if you do not breathe.

She hasn't had a panic attack in what feels like ages. She is trying to remember what she used to do in those cases but her memory is blurry. Suddenly, she remembers how Trixie used to rub her back while looking into her eyes. Look at me. Nothing else, but me- she would say- and breathe, Kat. Please breathe. But now it isn’t Trixie who is talking. It's Fena. Slowly, Katya begins to see things clearly again.

-Are you feeling better?- Fena asks with a frown on her face  
Katya blinks. She nods.

-Bitch, you scared the shit out of me!

-I’m- Katya breathes- I’m sorry. I’ve never mentioned it but...I used to suffer from anxiety. I used to have panic attacks all the time. But I thought it was over.

-Well, it would be useful if you would have mentioned it, ho. -Fena is smiling now- Are you okay now, though? I don’t wanna leave you alone but I gotta introduce Detox.

-I’m fine. Don’t worry- Katya reassures her- Please go. I’m gonna have a drink or something. No more joints before the show for me- She tries to laugh.

-I’d love to believe that- Fena laughs while she closes the door behind her.- I’d love to believe that...

Once she finds herself alone again, Katya stares into the red wall in front of her. What the fuck has happened? One minute she was brushing that girl’s lips. Then, she was looking at the crowd… What was she looking at? Violet! Violet had said she would come after work. She was trying to find her... But then she laid her eyes on something that made her feel sick. Or maybe it was someone. 

A knock on the door snaps her out of her thoughts.  
-Come in!

Katya slowly stands up. She is walking towards the mini bar when the door opens. The first thing she sees is a pair of high heels. Pink high heels. They look too familiar to Katya’s comfort. She is suddenly afraid to look up, but Katya Zamolodchikova is not a coward. She takes a deep breath, probably for the millionth time that night, and raises her eyes.

Trixie is standing in front of her, looking as beautiful as ever. 

Beautiful Trixie. Her Trixie.


	4. As long as you're next to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi! New chapter here. Please let me know what you think of this one and this work in general. I really appreciate any type of comment.  
> Love x

Two years ago.

Great. Katya couldn’t have picked a better moment to confess how she feels to her best friend. Trixie is currently freaking out because she doesn’t know what to wear to her date with Nick. Her boyfriend. Katya sits down on Trixie’s bed while she tries to look at anywhere but her crush.

-Why are you so quiet? You’re never this quiet- Trixie says while unzipping her dress- Ugh. I don’t even know why I bought this. 

Katya’s mouth feels dry. Her hands have been shaking ever since her conversation with Alaska. She is praying to some god she doesn’t believe in not to have a panic attack just now. Trixie seems to notice it. She always notices when Katya is on the verge of breaking down. Slowly, she approaches her friend.

-What’s going on?- She asks while sitting beside her.

-I don’t know where to begin- Great. Now her voice is shaking too.

-Don’t scare me, silly- Trixie takes her hand- Are you feeling anxious?

-Yes, but that’s not new- Katya tries to laugh but it comes out weak.

-Okay, now you’re scaring me. What is it? You know you can trust me.

Trixie smiles at her and it melts her heart.  
Katya sighs. Okay. You’re as ready as you’ll ever be-she thinks. 

-Do you know how…-she begins- You always tell me that I should start dating?

-Oh my god!- Trixie screams- Are you seeing someone? Bitch! Who is it? Why didn’t you tell me?

Trixie’s enthusiasm about the prospect of Katya seeing someone breaks her heart even more. If that’s possible.

-It’s not that- she cuts Trixie off

-Oh- Trixie stops smiling- Then what is it, babe?

-The thing is- Katya is back looking at the floor now- I can’t date anyone.

-What are you talking about?- Trixie laughs softly- You’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re-

Katya shakes her head.

-The reason I can't date anyone is because I’m in love with you. 

Trixie’s mouth opens. But Katya continues before she can say anything.

-I’ve been in love with you since the very first time Michelle asked us to work together. Remember that you had a bad impression of me?- Katya laughs nervously- You thought I was going to make fun of your make-up because I was painted so pretty, according to you. But then I said something stupid and you were laughing- no, you were screaming! But it made me so happy to see you like that. You made me so happy. You still do. And I know you’re dating Nick, but… But I had to tell you Trixie- she can feel her eyes filling with tears. -Fuck. I had to tell you Trixie because sometimes I see the way you look at me...and I think that you feel something too?

Trixie’s cheeks are burning. She isn’t looking at her anymore. The only sound that can be heard is Trixie’s roommate doing the dishes in the kitchen. And then:

-Kat, I don’t- I’m not into girls. You know it. I'm not- I’m not into you.

She doesn’t look at Katya when she says it.

Katya feels how something deep inside her breaks. But she also feels relieved and kinda proud of herself. She prepares herself for what she is about to say. However, nothing could prepare her for the look on Trixie’s face when she says it.

-Now you will understand why I gotta get you out of my life. 

Present.

In moments like this, with her ex best friend and the person she used to be in love with deciding to show up out of nowhere in the middle of her dressing room, Katya likes to think that she is one of the main characters in a sitcom. She can almost hear the audience laughing with her. And she is about to come up with a punchline until she realizes this is not a comedy; this is her life. (Is there any difference, though?)

-I'm so sorry- Trixie breaks the silence- I shouldn't have come, I'm such an idiot.

Trixie is stuttering. Why does she look nervous? Katya has barely made sense of her words when Trixie begins to make her way back to the door.

-Trixie- her voice comes out sharper than she pretended to- Wait.

Trixie looks at her with the look of a child who has been caught doing something bad. 

-Stay? Please. 

Katya gives her a shy smile and motions for her to sit down on the couch. Slowly, Trixie sits next to Katya. Too close. Always too close.

Katya tries her best to focus her senses on anything but the fact that Trixie, her Trixie, is sitting beside her. Maybe she should start off by stopping calling Trixie hers.

-Hi, hello, hi- Katya breathes- What brings you here?- she almost cringes at the awkwardness of the question. 

Trixie looks right into her eyes for the first time in God knows how long and starts talking.

-I won this contest, a makeup contest- She explains in a rush - And one of the prizes was a trip to New York, can you believe it? So, yeah. I'm staying here for three weeks. All expenses paid and that.

Katya wants to listen but her mind isn't able to focus on anything but the fact that Trixie is back. When she realises she hasn't said a word in a whole minute, she hurries.

-Trixie, that's great!- she tries to sound happy for her ex friend. She really does-That doesn't explain how you ended up here, of all the drag bars that exist in the city- Katya laughs drily.

Trixie's face falls. Or maybe it's the lights.

-Yeah, I-I know. Actually, I was- 

-I'm so sorry babe!- Violet's voice startles them both- I promise I was gonna be on time for your number but then my stupid ass boss asked me to stay for a while and I ended up losing the buss and- Violet only stops talking when she realises there's someone next to Katya- I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?


	5. Just the two of us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She said hiii. I'm back! Honestly, I've been struggling with my anxiety a lot this last week. Nonetheless, here's a new chapter. Thank you so much for giving this work a try. :)  
> I hope you like this! And, as always, any kind of comment will be well-received.   
> Love x

Two years ago.

Katya has made her mind. She really wants to leave. After pouring her heart out to Trixie last week, and being slapped in the face with the reality that her best friend will never love her the way she wants her to, Katya knows there is nothing left for her in Boston. She is now packing the last few times she thinks she’ll need in her new life in New York. Everything has been arranged. One of her older sister’s best friends, Bob, is waiting for her. Bob has promised her she can stay in her apartment until she finds a new place. She is trying her best to keep her mind on the big city when a soft knock on her bedroom’s door surprises her. 

-Hey, stranger.

Trixie.

Damn it. Katya was really hoping that she could get away without saying goodbye. Of course, Trixie would never let her do that.

-What are you doing here?- Katya’s voice doesn’t come out angry or sad. She’s just tired.

-I figured you weren’t planning to stop by my house to say goodbye, so I decided to drive here to do it myself.

Trixie looks a bit angry but if Katya looked a little closer, she would notice her puffy eyes and the dark circles under them. She isn’t wearing any makeup and that takes Katya by surprise.

-Trixie- Katya says in a tired tone- You know why I can’t say goodbye to you. Don’t make it more difficult, you know-

But before Katya can finish what she is saying, Trixie is approaching her with a look on her face Katya can’t decipher. She is now standing so close Katya can see the freckles on her cheeks she has come to adore over the years. And the sadness and anger. She sees that too. If the house weren’t so silent, Katay might not have heard Trixie’s whispering:

-Kiss me?

Katya doesn’t think. She doesn’t want to. Maybe this is the only chance she gets to show Trixie how much she wants her, so she quickly closes the space between them and takes Trixie by the waist.

-You’re so fucking pretty it hurts- Katya whispers looking at her lips.

-Kat, please.

Trixie doesn’t have to ask twice. Katya closes the small gap between them and then they are kissing. She tries to release all the sadness and desperation, and most importantly, all the love she has been nurturing for so long. She really tries to keep it simple but suddenly the younger one is pushing her tongue through Katya’s lips and she melts.Trixie's hands quickly find her way through Katya’s hair and she pulls a little. But before a desperate moan can escape Katya’s mouth, Trixie pulls away.

-Holy shit- Trixie whispers, panting slightly as she caughts her breath.

-Trix, that was- 

-I have to go- Trixie blurtes and pushes herself away from Katya and towards the door. Before Katya can say anything else, her best friend is gone. 

Present.

Katya feels as if she has been caught cheating on Violet, though she knows she is only seating next to an old friend. “Yeah, you’d love to believe this is that simple”- she thinks to herself. Nobody says a word so she hurries and introduces the two girls in the room. She doesn’t miss the look Violet gives to Trixie. The brunette seems to inspect her but something must tell her Trixie is not a threat and she simply smiles in return.

-Hi, I’m Violet. Katya’s girlfriend.

Trixie quickly recovers from the trance she seemed to be on since Violet entered the room and introduces herself as an old friend of Katya’s. Soon, both girls seem to be getting on well and they are chatting excitedly while Katya only stares in silence as a toddler waiting for their mom to stop chatting with a neighbour. 

-Anyway, I was about to tell Katya we need to get going- Violet announces- I’m working early tomorrow so we should be in bed by now.

-Oh- yeah, right. Of course- Trixie gets up so quickly that she almost collapses over the couch.

Katya knows she is going to regret this.

-You should come by tomorrow- she tries to sound casual- We’re playing Grease and I really need someone to help me with my makeup.

She knows she is half-lying. Though it is true that Fena won’t be able to do her makeup since she is meeting with some relatives. But Katya knows she can ask any other queen to do it, though Trixie’s skills are beyond perfection. She also knows that Trixie won’t come back if she doesn’t ask her to. Before she can give it a second thought, Trixie softly replies an “Okay” before offering both Katya and Violet a smile and making her way to the door.

Katya is fucked.


	6. Baby, show me your world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii! If you're still here, thank you so much for reading my stuff. It means a lot to have someone out there enjoying what I write. And if you're new, welcome :) 
> 
> Love x

Present

-What were you thinking?! How was asking the girl you were in love with to see her again a good idea?!

Ginger asks Katya while she glues the last rhinestones to a new pair of black Louboutin heels. Okay, maybe they are fake but nobody needs to know that. She has been asking herself the same question over and over since Trixie decided to show up in her dressing room and Katya asked her to come back. 

She wasn’t thinking, that’s the point. But with Trixie’s eyes looking directly at her, she knew she couldn’t let the younger one disappear just like that. 

They need to talk, Katya thinks, without Violet’s presence, thank you very much. Katya needs closure. She is about to tell Ginger that when Kasha screams at her from the other side of the bar. 

-Zamo! You’ve got a visitor!

Katya turns around and watches as Trixie walks towards her. She is wearing a big pink sweater with hearts on it that looks way too comfy and a pair of white pantyhose and white boots to match. She looks beautiful. 

Ginger seems to immediately understand who the visitor is and so she silently stands up from the stool and excuses herself. 

When Trixie is finally next to Katya, she says:

-Sorry. Is it too early? You didn’t specify when I should come so I assumed-

-Trix, it’s okay- Katya reassures her- Come on, sit.

Trixie does as told and soon they are chatting and Katya is telling her all about the musical they have been preparing for almost a year while Trixie listens attentively and offers to help her with the shoes. 

-I can’t believe you are playing Danny. No, wait. I totally can.- Trixie laughs.

-You know I could never play Sandy. As a matter of fact, I am not a pretty girl.

At that, Trixie frowns:

-You are pretty. You are way prettier than Sandy, if you ask me.

Katya almost burns herself with the glue gun when she hears that. 

She can feel her face hot but when she looks at Trixie, she seems to be too focused on gluing rhinestones to realise what she’s just said.

-Anyway- Katya clears her throat- What about you? Are you still seeing Nick?

Trixie’s eyes are immediately on her face and Katya reprimends herself for having asked a question she isn’t sure she wants to know the answer to.

\- Actually...We broke up.

Now it’s Katya’s turn to stare.

-Oh. I'm sorry, Trix. What happened?- I mean, if you wanna talk about it, you d-don’t have to explain-

-It’s okay- Trixie laughs softly.

Katya gives her a shy smile and motions for her to continue.

Trixie seems to really consider Katya's question for a moment.

-I think we weren’t meant to be, you know?- She finally says.

She doesn't elaborate and Katya is afraid to ask what she means by that. Instead, she asks:

-So, when did you break up?

Trixie's blushes. Or maybe it's Katya's imagination.

-Uh- Trixie clears her throat- We actually broke up a week after you left.

-Oh- It's all that comes out of Katya's mouth.

She won't let herself believe that she has something to do with Trixie breaking up with Nick. Nope. She can't think that. 

Specifically, she won't imagine that the fact that they kissed before she left Boston has anything to do with Trixie's break up. 

But now she is thinking about that. And she is thinking about the kiss. Something that shouldn't have happened. Something that Trixie, her ex best friend, who also happens to be heterosexual, probably regrets.

-Hey, are you okay?

Katya realises she hasn't moved and hasn't said a word for at least a whole minute.

-Yeah, yes, sure- Katya hates how weak her voice sounds- I'm just a bit tired. I think the hot glue is messing with my head.

Trixie laughs.

-I don't think your head can get any messier.

And, just like that, Katya is wheezing and clapping her hands like a dork. She missed this. She missed her friend. 

Maybe, just maybe, they can be friends again. Maybe they can have what they had in Boston, before Katya ruined everything.

Yeah, she can try to be Trixie's friend. 

It's better than not having her at all-Katya thinks- while she calmly observes how Trixie's eyes shine with laughter. 


	7. You stick right next to me wherever I go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back back back again! As always, if you're still reading this, thank you so much for keeping up with this story. And if this is your first time reading it, welcome!!! :)
> 
> If you haven't noticed yet, English is not my first language so I apologize in advance for any mistake/inaccuracy.
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this chapter. I think I was quite inspired haha.
> 
> Please remember I loooove reading your comments. They motivate me to keep on writing so I'm always looking forward to reading what you think of my work.
> 
> Love, x

The show was perfect. The people in the audience cheered all night long and they were really generous with the tips. Katya is both surprised and proud by the fact that she was capable of remembering all her lines. Specially, she is surprised by her own calmness given the fact that Trixie was watching her front row. During the performance, Katya swears she was feeling Trixie’s eyes following her all the time as well as hearing the younger one laughing despite the loud music.

Before closing the club, the queens are used to gathering to have a drink before leaving. Tonight is not the exception. Katya is being praised by the rest of the queens but she is only half listening. Her eyes are scanning the room in search of a certain blonde. 

A familiar voice comes behind her.

-Are you looking for someone?

Katya feels a pair of arms around her waist and a kiss being pressed to her neck.

-I thought you weren’t coming- she states in a flat voice. Violet is in front of her with a sad smile and puppy eyes.

-I’m so sorry babe. I really wanted to be there for you- the brunette explains- You know my boss is a bitch and-

-Yeah. Yeah, I know- Katya can’t be mad. She really is accustomed to Violet missing her shows. 

-However, I heard you were incredible- Violet presses another kiss to her cheek- I knew you could do it, babe.

Katya smiles and gets lost in her girlfriend’s presence as she gets closer to kiss her on the lips. The kiss is interrupted by someone’s cough.

-Hey- Trixie’s suddenly next to them and Katya feels weird- Sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to congratulate you- the blonde says in a rush. She is smiling but her smile doesn’t seem to reach her eyes.

-Hey, Trixie!- Violet greets her happily- Please tell me you were recording my baby. I was working and I couldn’t make it-

-I wasn’t- Trixie interrupts her- I don’t have my phone with me.

An awkward silence settles between the three girls and Katya quickly breaks it.

-Thank you for coming, Trixie- she says honestly.

Trixie gives her a shy smile.

-That’s okay. I really enjoyed it.

Something doesn’t feel right and Katya can’t really tell what it is. Suddenly, she knows she doesn’t want to say goodbye to Trixie yet.

-Are you leaving already? - She asks the younger one.

-Hm, yeah? I mean, my hotel isn’t far so I thought I could walk-

-That’s nuts!- Violet interrupts Trixie-You can’t be walking on your own in the middle of the night- she seems to think for a moment before coming with a solution- Kat, go with her. You can walk her to her hotel and then grab a cab to my house. 

Trixie looks shocked but she quickly recovers.

-Sure, if that’s okay with you?

Now both girls turn to look at her and Katya feels her cheeks burning.

-Y-yeah, s-sure- she stutters- I’ll go with Trixie.

Violet smiles at her and gives her a peck on the lips before turning her attention to Pearl, one of the girls working behind the bar.

As soon as the cold air hits her face, Katya feels way sober than she has felt during the whole night. Except that she doesn’t drink so she doesn’t know where that feeling of being drunk comes from. Maybe she always feels like this when she’s with Trixie. Trixie. The young girl hasn’t said much since they both left the club. 

-What’s on your mind?- Katya quietly asks. She feels that if she speaks louder she might scare her.

Trixie seems to consider what she wants to say before answering.

-Nothing, just thinking. Me, you, Boston.

Trixie’s eyes seem to find her pink shoes really interesting because she doesn't look at Katya when she speaks.  
-What about me?  
Katya is afraid to formulate that question differently. What she really wants to ask is: ‘What about us?’

-I-I guess, Kat- Trixie seems to be struggling with her words- I really, really missed you.

Her eyes finally find Katya’s when she says it and both girls stop walking.

-You did?- it’s what comes out from Katya’s mouth.

-Yeah- she smiles softly- You were my best friend, and I- I ruined it all.

Before Katya can fully comprehend what’s happening, Trixie’s eyes are filled with tears. Her stomach hurts at the sight. Instead of answering, Katya asks:  
-C-Can we sit?

The girls find a bench outside what it seems to be a pet shop and they both sit. Trixie remains silent so Katya works up the courage to speak first.  
-Look, Trix- she breathes in and out- You don’t have to explain anything. And you don’t have to apologise.

-Kat- Trixie mutters but she cuts herself off when Katya holds up a finger.

-Please let me finish- Katya says and Trixie lets her- I was the one in love with you and I was the one who decided that that was a good reason to end our friendship. And I’m sorry- Katya says calmly, her gaze averted towards the darkness of the night- But I am not that Katya anymore. I’ve moved on. I am in a relationship with Violet and I’d really, really like if we could be friends again.

Only when she finishes Katya looks at Trixie. And when she expects the younger one to look relieved, she finds the saddest look on her face. Katya is about to ask her if she has said something wrong when Trixie speaks:

-Of course I’d love to be your friend again, Kat- Katya’s face relaxes a little as Trixie smiles at her- You’re the best person I’ve ever met in my life- her voice sounds just a little sad when she says that, and Katya decides to let it go.

-You’re a great person too, Trix- only then Katya dares to grab the younger girl’s hands and Trixie shivers a little. Or maybe it’s because of the cold night.  
They just stare at each other before it is too much and Trixie breaks the silence.

-So, are you walking me to the hotel or are we sitting on this old bench the whole night?- Trixie blurts out in a laugh.

Katya wheezes with loud laughter. 

-Fuck you!- she screams- You ruined my tender moment!

Trixie rolls her eyes and grabs Katya's hand while she stands up.

-Come on, grandma. I’m freezing.

The girls walk the way to Trixie’s hotel while talking about everything that has happened during the time they were apart. When they finally reach Trixie’s room, they are both laughing-screaming at each other.

-I can’t believe you lip synched to Roar by fucking Katy Perry your first night at the club!- Trixie is crying with laughter.

-Bitch, Ginger asked me to do it!- Katya is struggling to keep on with her story without bursting into laughter- A bitch needed to make money!

-Oh, God- Trixie wipes away her tears- I missed this- She whispers softly as she looks for her keys. 

Katya gives her a soft smile- I missed this too.

When Trixie finds the correct key, she opens the door to her room and turns to look at Katya.

-I’ll see you soon- Katya hopes it doesn’t come out desperate.

-Yeah- Trixie gives her a soft smile- I’ll come around. I really liked the club- She says with a smirk.

-Right- Katya smiles shily- I’ll see you, Trix.

-See you, Kat.

Katya is already on her way to the lobby when Trixie speaks.  
-Hey, Katya?

-Yeah?- she turns around

Trixie’s eyes are fixed on her face when she says it.  
-You were really hot as Danny Zuko.

Before Katya can respond to that, Trixie closes the door.


	8. I'm down on my hands and knees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii!  
> I hope you're all doing fine and taking care of yourselves.  
> I was planning on waiting to drop this chapter but I couldn't haha.  
> I'm looking foward to reading what you think of this!!!  
> Love x

It's Sunday afternoon and Katya is worried. She hasn't heard from Trixie since Friday night, when she left her at the hotel. Her words still very present in Katya's mind: "You were really hot as Danny Zuko". Fuck. What a way to end the evening.  
That night, even with Violet in her arms, Katya hadn't stopped repeating Trixie's words in her head. She knows Trixie was just joking around. But the words still mess with her head.

Right now, Katya is bored. Violet had to leave due to a business trip and she finds herself having nothing to do. She cannot avoid thinking about doing something fun with Trixie, but she also knows her friend must have more interesting activities to do now that she's visiting the big city than going to see Katya for the third time in the same week. She's also aware of the fact that they never interchanged numbers so she couldn't call her even if she wanted to.

As if God herself were listening to her thoughts, her phone rings. Katya doesn't recognize the number but doesn't give a fuck and answers anyways.

-Hello?

-Katya!

She immediately recognizes the voice.

-Trixie! What? Who- Katya stutters as she gets up from the couch- Who gave you this number?-she asks once she's found a comfortable position.

On the other side of the line, Trixie giggles.

-I phoned the club- she explains- I found the number on Google. And then I asked this person for your number, I think her name was Fena.

Since Katya has suddenly forgotten how to articulate, Trixie worries:

-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called. You're probably enjoying your day off with Violet and-

Katya interrupts her with a soft laugh:

-You're sooo wrong Trix! I'm so bored!- Trixie laughs at that-Violet had this thing at work and she left me alone. Can you believe it? Me? Having to entertain myself? On my own?! -she exclaims dramatically. 

-You're such a baby- Trixie laughs- but since you're so bored, why don't you bring your ass over here? I don't feel like leaving the hotel today, but I have a minibar filled with M&M's and your favourite board game.

-Is it Monopoly?- Katya gasps.

-'Course it is.

-I'm on my way. 

Twenty minutes later the two girls are sitting cross legged on the floor of Trixie's rooms facing each other and screaming with laughter.

-Bitch! Give me the money!- Trixie shouts while she contentedly watches Katya counting the last money she has left before giving it all to Trixie.

-You're cheating!- Katya accuses her while chewing M&M's. Trixie scrunches her nose in mock disgust at her.

-Can you swallow your food before you speak? 

Katya sticks out her tongue and intentionally kicks the board, causing a mess.

-Katya! 

-I'm sorry, I was just stretching my leg- Katya can't even keep a serious face while she says that.

-You always do this when you're losing!- Trixie tries to look angry but one look at Katya's face is enough to start laughing again.

When they are done with the laughing, Katya adds:

-You still love me though.

She wants to keep on joking but suddenly Trixie is looking at her fondly and simply adds:

-I do.

Katya feels the air leaving her lungs and her face getting warmer. She never knows what to do when Trixie is looking at her like that so she quickly changes the subject.

-Wanna watch a movie?

They are now watching Contact for the thousandth time but Katya can't concentrate on Jodie Foster because Trixie keeps on drinking, well, basically, all the drinks in the minibar.  
She's getting drunk, Katya notices it, and this time she isn't getting "funny Trixie" but "serious Trixie".  
Trixie hasn't said a word since the movie has started and Katya knows she must be thinking so hard because she can almost hear Trixie's brain exploding.

-What's in your mind, Barbie?- Katya softly asks while turning the volume down on the tv.

-I'm just…-Trixie sofly laughs at the sound of her own voice. She realizes she's drunk and her cheeks get red. Katya melts a little bit at the sight- I haven't been completely honest with you.

Katya worries.

-What do you mean?

-Do you…Do you remember when you asked me why Nick and I… Well, why did we break up?

Katya simply nods.

-Well, I think you should know… Y-you should know there's a reason why we broke up. When I told you we were simply 'not meant to be'? That was bullshit, Katya.

Trixie is looking at her so intensely that Katya couldn't look away even if her life depended on it. She also doesn't keep on talking so the Russian asks, almost in a whisper.

-Well, what was the reason? 

-You, Kat. You were the reason.

Katya's vision is blurry and she feels hot all over her body. It reminds her of having a fever and being in bed waiting to feel better. Except that she's not in her bed. She's in a hotel, in Trixie's bed, and she doesn't have a fever. Instead, she has a worried Trixie straddling her lap, pressing her weight on her body, touching her face and trying to bring her back to reality.

-Kat, are you okay? Trixie asks, a frown on her face.

She slowly shakes her head no.

-Fuck- Trixie curses- Kat, are you having a panic attack?

Katya nods since moving her head is the only thing she’s feeling capable of doing rght now. Her eyes don’t meet Trixie’s and she is trembling. 

-Do you want me to stop touching you?- Trixie asks, concern in her voice.

Katya makes a great effort to shake her head no again.

-Okay, babe, I got you- Trixie takes Katya’s hands in hers. They are cold and sweaty- Now, I’m gonna need you to do something for me babe, okay?- Katya’s gaze meets Trixie’s at that- I need you to breathe, Kat.

Slowly but confident, Trixie guides Katya through some breathing exercises. They don’t stop looking at each other and Trixie’s hands never leave Katya’s.  
It seems to be working. Soon, the colour is back into Katya’s face. When the fear stops, she softly whispers:

-Thank you, Trix.

-I thought I had already forgotten how to help you- Trixie says, the look of fear still present in her face.

-You could never- Katya smiles softly at her.

Trixie looks at her and she seems to be working up the courage to say something. Instead, she asks Katya:

-Do you want to lay down for a bit?

Katya considers it for a moment. She suddenly realises it’s dark outside and that she’s really tired. She could definitely use a little nap before heading home.

-That’s a good idea, Trix. 

Both girls get underneath the blanket from Trixie’s bed. They are not touching each other and they both face the ceiling for a moment. After a while, Katya slowly turns around to face her friend. Afraid of breaking the moment, she quietly asks:

-Hold me?

And, of course, Trixie does so. She strokes her fingers through Katya’s hair a few times and softly hums a sweet tune the Russian girl doesn’t recognize.  
Before she notices it, Katya’s eyes are closed and she is already half-asleep. Before starting dreaming about something that tastes like honey and is filled with pink colours, Katya hears Trixie saying something, almost to herself.  
She surely must think that the older girl is asleep when she whispers:

-I will never let you go again Kat, never.


End file.
